Where in the world is Kate Middleton? That seems to have been the question that was on way too many people’s minds, myself included. I am like a lot of people in America where I am ignorant of 95% of whatever is going on with the royal family and resentful the other 5% of the time it feels that news about the royal family is shoved down our throats. The Kardashians hold more relevance to my daily life than the royal family. The first time I heard that Kate Middleton was missing was March 4th when the car photo came out. I vaguely remember maybe reading headlines about her January surgery and maybe a headline about not being seen for a while, but again like most sane people it did not even register. But after reading into an article about the photo and understanding that people were interested because they hadn’t seen the princess in 3 months, I was hooked, it had all the makings of a great conspiracy: heads of state, fishy grainy photos, a whole lot of weird questions, and no answers. There is always something so off about the royal family. If we were to plot the royal family in the uncanny valley they would be at the bottom of the dip. They try so hard to appear as a proper classical British family, tea at 2, croquet at 4, and supper at 6 type of family, but the average citizen looking in from the outside can only imagine the skullduggery that goes on inside Buckingham Palace. You wouldn’t assume that the royal family is secretly shape-shifting alien reptilians trying to subjugate the human race, but you also wouldn’t assume that they were not. Ever since Princess Diana had gained the trust of the public and King Charles and the deceased Queen Elizabeth lost a lot of public favor through the divorce, and then just a year later dying in a tragic car accident that stunk to high heaven of Illuminati tomfoolery. There is a lot to be concerned about, Princess Diana publicly stated that she believed her ex-bodyguard, who was her close friend was purposefully killed. She also seemed to have predicted the car accident that took her own life in a letter and was very paranoid concerning the royals. Also what the hell is going with the white Fiat Uno that supposedly caused the accident to begin with? How can a car at the center of one of the most publicized incidents in modern history, with professional photographers at the scene of the crime, and only eyewitness accounts of it leaving, completely vanish into the night after hit and running the Princess? With paint chips matching a car belonging to a Le Van Thanh(who is now jacked and a bodybuilder?!) a random citizen of Paris who was supposedly at work during the incident. He was originally ruled out because a rear tail light was found and the police could find no evidence that a tail light had been replaced. But Le Van Thanh has since come forward saying he was driving his car at the night, not confirming that he hit the Mercedes though. It’s possibly one of the most frustrating parts of a conspiracy theory I have ever encountered. There is a lot of evidence pointing towards Le Van Thanh driving that car that night and hitting that Mercedes and fleeing the scene, but a lack of clear and swift investigation resulted in a frustrating lack of clear and concise evidence that Le Van Thanh did hit the car that night. Paint matching his car was found on the wreckage, but no evidence of damaged parts on the car. A suspicious respray of the car from white to red, but no clear timeline with Le Van Thanh claiming to have been resprayed soon before the accident and his father claiming mere moments after the accident did he respray. His own father coming out and saying he was responsible for the accident, but really just coming out with a sensational media frenzy that amounts to no more than tabloid gossip, and with the father not really claiming to have seen any actual crime, just Le Van Thanh coming home in a frantic and worried manner soon after the crash speaking and leaving with his brother, not saying anything to the father. Highly suspicious, but at face value it has to be taken as hearsay and not substantial evidence of any crime. Dates of the parts on the car that could have been replaced to cover up an accident matched the manufacturer dates of the car, but the authorities didn’t interview the mechanic brother or really inspect that car until the end of a 2-month investigation into the Fiat Uno, more than enough time for a mechanic to cover any traces of damage off the car. Le Van Thanh claims he was at his 7 pm to 7 am shift that night, but it was never confirmed that the authorities had actually confirmed this alibi, but nonetheless The French authorities felt they had enough to clear Le Van, who now claims the French authorities told him not to speak to British authorities, hence his refusal to ever go to the UK to talk to authorities. Why were all 14 cameras in the tunnel down? Frustrating open end after open end. I think in reality a whirlwind of terrible coincides, Dodi Fayed changing plans at the last minute, a drunk driver, swarming paparazzi more concerned with capturing your last moments on film than helping you, a shockingly rare lung tear, a young man who probably didn’t want to take the blame for accidentally killing a driver, a billionaire, and the people’s princess, and a billionaire father who stricken with rage and fury fueled by grief flung and created conspiracies everywhere with very little evidence and a lot of influence. Still, it is hard not to imagine the Queen getting a phone call that rainy night in London, answering it quietly, then slowly putting the phone down on the receiver. Her pursed lips slowly connect with the porcelain tea cup as she slowly strolls to the edge of the window, glaring out in the dark rainy night. She mutters to herself, “Thats too bad.”
Since then, from across the pond, it has been nothing but a series of gaffs and slip ups that make them seem either reptilian or imbeciles, both questioning why the royal family even still exists. Then it came to a high fever pitch with Meghan Markel and Prince Harry’s very public divorce from the royal family, and quite humorous in the sense that I don’t think a lot of people weren’t surprised by accusations of racism and cold bitterness from the family. I mean King Charles supposedly bullied Diana into bulimia and people believed that they had Diana killed because they didn’t want a muslim to be the stepfather to the future king. Zero people should have been taken aback by these claims, I assumed this was the royal status quo. I felt and still feel like most Americans who responded with resentful apathy, feeling like this families private life, a family who was already held in too high of a regard, had invaded every corner of my internet space and news shoved but secretly and not-so-secretly enjoying every moment that showed any of them in a bad light. Not able to help ourselves watch this already terrible family tear themselves apart as the long reigning Queen and her ghoul husband pass away, Prince Andrew is caught on a certain island, Prince Harry the center of a media, the new King Charles not rally the spry young man he once was, and whatever tabloid gossip surrounds Prince William, Kate Middleton, and their children. That was what seemed to me the new royal status quo, we were watching the slow death of long line of nobles as they flopped around on the ground gasping for air until a final desperate last gasp, and then they are no more. I do not believe we will be as lucky in this life time though.
I have never sought out news on the royal family as I find them as hideous and repugnant as the very reptilians many claim them to be and as I have alluded to many times in this very blog post, but instead passively ignored 95% of news and hate-read the other 5%. So when news of Kate Middleton missing after the March 4th photo was released and conspiracy theorists already chomping at the bit after Diana’s death never was settled with them, the Meghan-Harry drama riling up a lot of them, and now Kate Middleton underwent a surprise abdominal surgery and is missing for 3 months with staffers in the dark and nobody knowing anything, internet crazies, myself included, were bound to go crazy. There was something already fishy about the March 4th photo. Our first visual of the Princess of Wales and its just one grainy photo. Why aren’t there more photos, the car is going towards the direction of the photographer, surely they could have captured more. Also, is this Kate Middleton? I have to admit I am not very familiar with Kate Middleton(Thank God), but it still feels like I am looking at some sort of bizarro Kate, created in a lab to look vaguely like Kate Middleton. Then the pot boiled over on March 10th when their family released a photo of Kate and the children looking happy as can ever be, but almost immediately the photo was pulled from news sites as it was discovered instantly that it was doctored. It’s not certain what was doctored, but it is certain that it was doctored. Middleton gave an official explanation that she uses and experiments with Adobe Photoshop. Sure…… I can just picture it now, the Princess of Wales sitting at her computer using Adobe Photoshop to edit her pictures and cursing under her breath as she struggles with getting the shading just right. Photoshop is not easy to use for beginners. I have no professional
graphic design experience and the few times I have had to wrestle with Adobe and its free alternative GIMP it is always a struggle as they are made to platforms that can offer users a lot of professional quality tools and features, something that makes it hard for me to grasp that Kate Middleton is sitting there learning how to photoshop, instead of her probably dozens of staffers and assistants. But it is entirely possible and many would argue more plausible that Kate was playing around with Photoshop rather than being replaced with a laboratory clone or a look-alike like Avril Lavigne. This being discovered though, that official photos had been digitally altered, since then years of royal photos have been more heavily scrutinized many being discovered as altered. Then on the 12th a new photo came out of the back her head in a car backseat, which some claim is a photoshopped image again, with Kate taken from an old photo, and it looks extremely similar if not the same photo. For what seemed like the longest week people were left to stew until a photo on March 18th was released showing Prince William and Princess Kate at a farmers market. Another grainy unclear photo, taken by a “bystander”. But again things were already fishy. People within minutes already believed the photo was a hoax, dubbing her “Fake Middleton” and calling the photo a staged photo op with the random bystander being revealed to have had professional video production experience, it all seems like a little too much. 50 shades of Princess Diana all over again, minus the nasty deaths, It just has a lot of questions and a whole lotta nothing in answer. So what is going on with Kate Middleton? Occam’s Razor forces me to believe her surgery just went a little rougher than expected and the normal royal family shenanigans played a hand in making everything look way more suspicious than it needed to be, I mean these are the same people who have been bungling PR since William the Conquerer. But for as entertaining as this conspiracy is, it is one of the dumber ones, because at the end of it all, who cares? If Kate Middleton got run over by a bus on live television I don’t think my reactions and feelings would go much beyond that of my weird fantasys of Queen Elizabeth II receiving news of Princess Diana. All this story does is distract from the real story of the Boeing whistleblower(I am waiting for more info before writing about it) and the new information that Boeing’s Lawyers asked him to stay in town for longer before he planned on leaving and then showed up dead the next morning. But if the royal family does not matter then I choose the wisdom of Robert Frost and choose to believe that Kate Middleton is dead, allegedly(source: me) sacrificed as part of some satanic cabal ritual, the horrors unimaginable and have now been replaced by shape-shifting reptilians who wish to control us.
